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TV REVIEW: Vegetables Are Off the Menu in Bones “The Carrot in the Kudzu”

By on March 25, 2014
Brennan (Emily Deschanel, L) and Booth (David Boreanaz, R). Co. Cr: Patrick McElhenney/FOX

Brennan (Emily Deschanel, L) and Booth (David Boreanaz, R). Co. Cr: Patrick McElhenney/FOX

Did you know that 65,000 children were treated for injuries sustained on bouncy houses last year?

I didn’t either, but Bones‘ ever vigilant Brennan was able to pull this quote (and others) from the top of her head last night when faced with the scary prospect of organising a birthday party for Christine.

And why shouldn’t she be scared? A birthday party, or any other large social gathering, was not part of Brennan’s every day life growing up with a criminal Dad.

While Booth was adamant that Brennan would come around eventually (and she did), Sweets posited that Brennan’s buried feelings about her childhood became sublimated as a means of coping with her situation. The upshot? Brennan, who fearlessly tackles human remains, detritus and the criminal underworld week after week was phased by the prospect of tackling a birthday party.

Despite Booth’s persistent good humour and collection of wacky ideas, from a one man band to reptiles (because “who doesn’t love reptiles?”), it was ultimately a heart-warming moment between Brennan and her Dad that caused her to realise that she did have a frame of reference for such an important event in Christine’s life. That reference, as it turns out, was the memory of a simple game of tag with her Dad.

In a lighter development, we also learned that Clark Edison had completed a book, the title of which, “Murder Made Me Do It” tells us all we need to know.  This B storyline was a wonderful shoutout to anyone who has scratched their head over the success of really bad writers. As the team debated how to tell Clarke what they really thought of his prose, they were abruptly beaten to the punch by the announcement that he had been picked up by a publisher. And not just any publisher, but Brennan’s.

Has anyone seen my copy of 50 Shades of Green?

Booth (David Boreanaz, R) questions children's TV show character Carrot Bill (guest star Tommy Munson, L). Co.  Cr:  Patrick McElhenney/FOX

Booth (David Boreanaz, R) questions children’s TV show character Carrot Bill (guest star Tommy Munson, L). Co. Cr: Patrick McElhenney/FOX

Meanwhile the lab was presented with an Invasion of the Body Snatchers-esque case (or more Day of the Triffids?) in which human remains, wrapped in a vigorous – and hungry – kudzu, were presented for examination, in addition to some moments of gross hilarity.

Our vic of the week was one Joe Starkle, the man behind a (strangely?) popular children’s TV show called “The Vegeta-Bills.” (We don’t think the folks over at Yo Gabba Gabba need to worry just yet!). Joe and his co-creator brother fell out and parted company, leaving us to initially suspect him of not liking his vegetables – to death.

However, in a typically delicious Bones twist, it was not the brother who dunnit, but instead a carrot fetishist super-fan who was crushed when Carrot Bill refused to sleep with her – even after she lost 80 pounds as a result of following his on-screen healthy eating advice.

In an ironic twist, Carrot Bill/Joe was not as healthy and clean living as his crush imagined. A serious heart condition made him vulnerable to loud noises, but it was a condition he was loath to treat because the drugs made him impotent. And apparently fully grown men dressed as carrots get a lot of Mommy action.

In the end, Joe succumbed to a fatal heart attack when his would-be-lover/stalker honked her car horn at him unexpectedly in a dark parking lot. When he fell and hit his head on the pavement, she panicked, bundled his body into her car and later dumped him in the kudzu.

Vegetables are definitely off the menu tonight. As for the voluntary manslaughter? Not so much.

Best lines of the Night

  • “We’re here to inform you your brother’s been murdered – and that corn is not a vegetable.”
  • “Show me one person that doesn’t like a one man band!”
  • “Many don’t like them, which is why they’re such a rarity.”
  • “Crocodile wearing a crocodile belt? Would you wear a human belt?”
  • A grown woman obsessed with a giant orange phallic symbol? Yeah, I’m comfortable calling her crazy.”
  • Everything read out loud from Clark Edison’s novel “Murder Made Me do It”

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