By Chris B
“I’m not the devil. I’m just a man who’s delusional who made it all up.”
No such luck, Lucifer.
Lucifer benignly reassures Dr. Linda that he’s fine, though his secret plan to lock his mother and father in heaven until they fight to the death has hit a snag due to the non-flaming Flaming Sword.
Lucifer’s been able to keep the “secret plan” a secret from Maze due to the obsession of his “sex thug” with her new project: Chloe. She’s making the detective breakfast, offering to find her asses to kick, and clinging to her like a second skin.
Maze tries to be helpful by arranging a date for Decker with the doctor from the hospital. She even helpfully changes Decker’s bedsheets and offers herself for a threesome, like any good pal would do. When Amenadiel also shows up for date night, he throws off Maze’s plan and then throws her for a loop by revealing to her the plan for the three deities to return to heaven, leaving her behind.
Toby Mulligan has suffered a very unsportsmanlike death via the corner of a backgammon board. He was an orderly in a psychiatric hospital, and his body was discovered by a fellow patient, God Johnson, played by a bearded and glorious Timothy Omundson. While Lucifer initially mocks Mr. Johnson for his choice to impersonate “a dick,” he quickly changes to disbelief when God bids him farewell as Samael, his true name.
Amenadiel dissuades his brother, insisting that God would not visit Earth himself, but would send an emissary like him; thus, the person in question is just that—a person. And, as it turns out, their first suspect in Mulligan’s death as his prints were lifted from the dead man’s bald head. God, the former Earl Johnson of Texas, is a former rich man who was locked up after he gave all his money away and began calling himself God. Now, in America, the former action is practically enough to get you put away for life, but Mr. Johnson is apparently committed to his role (pun, regretfully, intended).
Lucifer checks himself into the psychiatric hospital to get closer to God Johnson by politely introducing himself to the front attendant and then politely assaulting him. To mingle with the other patients, he joins a poker game with invisible cards and acquires useless intel about Johnson’s miracle of scoring extra Jello, then gets a pair of underwear chucked in his face. Still, he’s able to trail Johnson to a side room where he seems to be assaulting a woman; when Lucifer moves to stop him, God insists, “No, please, I have to save her!” and promptly returns the pool of blood on the floor to her body. He’s saved the murder’s potential second victim.
Lucifer is nonplussed. “It really is you,” he breathes. And then he punches the son of a bitch in the face.
Decker is furious that Lucifer has gotten himself committed, not believing that he’s done so solely to help the case. Her suspicions are confirmed when he reveals that he thinks that Johnson really could be his dad, and informs the detective who the victim claims attacked her: Santa Claus. Could it be Dale, the white-bearded patient? She confers with the flirtatious doctor at the facility, who is less than forthcoming with helpful patient details.
The eager doctor comes over for what he thinks is a date with Chloe, the highlight of which is getting complimented on the shape of his head from Amenadiel. He slowly realizes he’s being interrogated, then gets an alert that Lucifer and God have escaped from the hospital.
Later, Chloe apologizes for misleading him, so he helpfully offers up an illegal look at Dale’s medical file. Inside is a picture that shows a group of people, one with Dale and another individual in costume as Santa. This person is a nurse at the hospital, one who has tried to drug both Lucifer and God, just as she did with her own mother to punish her for her offenses. This is something that Lucifer can get behind, and when he informs the nurse she has every right to destroy an evil parent, God looks surprised. “I had no idea you were so angry with me.” A bit slow on the uptake for an omnipotent being, aren’t we, Your Highness? At that point, God is contrite, offering an apology to his son and claiming he is proud of the man he’s become.
When the nurse wrenches off God’s belt to hang him, a spell is broken. Decker arrives in time to save them, but Mr. Johnson is Earl again, having no memory of where he is or how he got there. Lucifer retrieves the belt buckle and later slides it onto Azrael’s blade; it fits perfectly. It is indeed a piece of the flaming sword, and suddenly Uriel’s last words make sense: “The piece is here.”
However, the piece falls off. There’s something they’re missing.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
Charlotte has shown up in Dan’s world again, offering to give him a taste of her pudding, literally and figuratively. He rebuffs her in no uncertain terms, but his “sassy” behavior only fuels her hunger for more dessert.
Lucifer confronts his dad about the “litany of offenses” that he’s heaped upon his son: “Casting me into Hell for eternity…manipulating me with the detective, giving me the illusion of control—you are a patronizing, sinister helicopter parent.” Ouch. He demands an apology, but God’s response is fairly mild. Dad is surprised that Lucifer feels he has no free will, and he’s even more shocked to hear that Mom is on Earth as well. But just as Lucifer starts to go red-eyes, they’re interrupted by Dr. Linda.
While he must wheel his hyperventilating psychiatrist away, Lucifer ruminates how he can still make his parents pay for their crimes, all with Dr. Linda’s assistance. He organizes Operation: Help Lucifer Escape From the Hospital by unleashing his fellow patients to create chaos by starting fires, flicking lights, and tossing copious amounts of underwear at heads. When the fire alarm rings, Lucifer and God walk calmly through the melee to the back door where the doctor awaits them.
Phase two of the plan involves putting Mom and Dad together at Lux for a recreation of their first date, convinced that his Parent Trap moment will lead to their ultimate torture—being in the presence of one another for any length of time. He seems to be onto something when the first thing Charlotte does is to knee her husband in the groin for locking her in Hell. Really should have seen that coming, Almighty.
The pair of gods gradually admit their small transgressions to one another—eternal flames of damnation vs. the attempted destruction of the favored toy (humanity) with floods and plagues and the like. After all, how bad could a species be that made vodka and rollercoasters? Lucifer cues up the cheesy date-night music and they share a dance, and moments later, they are considering a new plan for their relationship and sharing a kiss. Easy peasy!
But the magic of the moment evaporates with Decker’s ill-timed arrival to take God back into custody.
Later, Charlotte shows up at Dan’s door to tell him of her smooching experience. She is disconcerted that she either thought the man had been her husband, or that she wishes that he had been. Looking as pathetic as possible, she requests that she and Dan “hold each other,” minus his pants. A show of hands for any who are surprised he let her in? Nevermind.